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Finding Your Best Self Podcast

My name is Tracey Lewis-Stoeckel and things haven't always gone my way. I have gone through some crazy obstacles on my road to finding happiness. Every obstacle has taught me something about myself and I want to share my story with you, and share the stories of other women who are going through or have taken themselves from crappy to happy. By sharing, I hope that we can lift up and support one another, so we can each find the positive and find our own best selves in the process.
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Now displaying: December, 2018
Dec 5, 2018

When relationships end and the two people have been living together, it's an obvious fact that someone is going to have to move out.  I know that here in Minnesota the courts like to see the mother remain in the home with the children whenever it is possible, which I admit is not always fair.  I am not sure what it is like in other parts of the world.  Initially, in my case, my husband, despite wanting to be with a different woman than the one he was married to (although I was still in complete denial about that at the time) and supposedly hating my stinking guts and telling anyone who would listen that I was a terrible mother...no my husband wanted me to stay in the house with him.  From the moment he declared his hatred of me, he had been relegated to the mattress in the basement.  My kids were small, and we bought our house because of the proximity of the master bedroom to the kids' rooms.  I was not going to sleep two floors away from them.  Gary liked this arrangement just fine.  I paid the bills every month.  He gave me a set amount of money, which left him some cash left over for fun.  I was working full time and making a good income, and he liked that too.  Gary likes money.  And, I think his primary focus in wanting us to "live in the house as friends" was that we could remain a dual income household, and also, perhaps, more importantly, he would not have to pay any additional money for the support of our children.

But Gary had trouble lying.  He would disappear for hours on end and come home with the can of tuna he went to the store to get, and when I tried to talk to him at all, he yelled.  My kids had heard enough yelling in that month to last them a lifetime, and it was time for someone to go.  He refused to leave.  He suggested not so kindly that I leave, even going to the point of putting my clothes in trash bags and throwing them into the front yard one evening while I was at work.  When I started looking for a place to go, I really wanted to move back to Wisconsin near my family.  That was a no go for Gary stating that the primary reason is that he wanted to be able to coach Sam's baseball team someday and be there for all of the things.  I kind of understood that but also knew that a home to rent in Wisconsin would cost me a third of what one would cost in Minneapolis.  Gary tried to help by circling trailers for rent in the paper for me.  Now, don't get me wrong...a couple of my best friends have beautiful homes in trailer parks, it's not that I am opposed to a trailer...but when the man who is forcing you and your kids out of your 2800 square foot brand new home suggests this 1994 single wide trailer might make a nice residence...well, it gets you a little fired up.  Eventually, I found a shitty old house to rent that I could afford...we called it the poopy brown house, and we lived there until the crazy landlord pushed me over the edge.  Next came a big gorgeous house we couldn't afford and then my parents bought a house and allowed me to pay the mortgage to build my own equity and a future.

Although we did our best to make homes in each of those houses, there was always something missing for us.  The house my parents bought, we lived in for nearly 7 years, and it was home for sure.  But it had a strange layout with both kids' rooms a floor below mine, a small living area that we didn't really all fit in, and even dining together was uncomfortable and cramped.  I wanted to find a different place, maybe something with a little land for a pony or a goat, and my then boyfriend and I started to look.  When it became really apparent that our priorities were not aligned and that relationship ended, I started looking more seriously on my own.  Then I lost my job.  So I stopped looking.

Because of my many streams of income from self-employment and my part time job that I love, I wasn't too worried about finding a new full-time gig.  In fact, if it were not for the health insurance, I would have been happy to live that life forever.  I was pretty choosy about finding a new gig and when the chance to work for a local ambulance service in their education department came along, I was unsure.  I was very interested in the work, but the pay kinda sucked, and I didn't want to end up being a secretary and allowing all of my medical experience and expertise to go to waste.  At the time I was taking a course with the lovely and talented Lauren Frontiera called Re-Inspired (check out her Grit and Glitter podcast on iTunes) and in one of my one on one calls with her I was telling her how conflicted I was about giving up my dream of working from home and taking this job even though it wasn't necessarily what I wanted to be doing and Lauren said something magical to me that I will never forget.  She said, "I think you will find that there is a reason that you needed to take this job right now."  A few days after that call, I was driving through my old neighborhood and saw the for sale sign in that yard...in my yard.  And I knew what that had to mean.

Within a week after starting my new job I put my house on the market, started doing as many improvements as I could with my meager savings and girl-level skills...and a couple of months ago, a week after completing my graduate degree in education...yep, I bought the house!!  On a 70 degree day in Minnesota in February (tell me that this wasn't completely meant to be!!) I moved my children back into our home.  When I tell people, some of them think that I am crazy.  Why would I ever want to live in that house again?  Doesn't it remind me of my husband? And that life?  Doesn't it make me sad? And the answer is a big fat, nope!  When I think of living in that house, I don't even think of him.  Shit, he traveled for work all of the time anyway...he was never around.  I don't think about him.  At all.   I think of running my daycare there, and the children that I loved (who are now nearly all adults--don't even get me started on that) and I think of the long happy days that I spent with my own babies, being a joyful threesome, being able to be home with them as they grew in our beautiful warm home.  In the weeks after we moved, nearly everyone I know has asked me "how is it being back in the old house?" Some of them ask from a place of love and acceptance, and I know that some of them are expecting me to confess that I might have made a mistake.  I answer the same way to each of them.  "It is awesome!"  This house is our home.  The last owners made some changes to it. They finished the basement, added a bathroom, took out some carpet and glammed up the kitchen...despite the fact that I keep getting confused because I must have had the silverware in a different drawer than it is in now... it still feels like home...and every fiber of my being responds to that feeling the moment that I walk in the door.  I wonder when that sensation of complete and utter joy that occasionally bursts into my consciousness and screams "I LIVE HERE" will wear off.  I hope it never does.  And I also hope that you, my dears, have the opportunity to experience the immense feeling of accomplishment that comes from knowing that you have done your best, worked your hardest, and have achieved everything you desired.  And I can't wait to hear about it.

 

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